The ability to resolve conflicts constructively helps everyone. For managers, it is an indispensable competence. A reaction to verbal attacks, unwanted behavior, resistance etc. often occurs very suddenly and reflexively when it hits a sore point. The more violent it is, the more likely it is to escalate and lead to a real conflict. Afterwards, one wonders how this could have happened so quickly.
It can be explained neurobiologically. Simplified, you can compare it to a computer: Emotional experiences are stored in the brain’s “working memory” and can therefore be accessed directly and immediately. Whereas the information for cognitive processes, i.e. what is commonly described as the mind, is stored on the “hard disk” and access to it takes much longer. And the fact that emotions trigger actions in such a flash is basically a good thing!
Imagine a falling roof tile. While thinking about how heavy it is, how fast it will fall, whether it is still enough to continue at the same speed or whether it is better to slow down, it has already landed on your head. Instead, you will simply jump to the side in shock and escape the roof tile. Your emotional experience memory has reported danger and reacted immediately. Whereas your mind would be much too slow for this. So the ability to react so quickly serves to protect us from life-threatening situations.
However, these immediate reactions also turn on when we are not dealing with life-threatening situations. For example, if someone displays behavior that has always been disgusting to us, if someone harshly contradicts, uses a certain choice of words – in short, anything that has caused us negative emotions (several times) in the past. Your brain decides in a flash and your emotional memory does not evaluate whether the danger is life-threatening or not.
But how can you give your mind the chance to de-escalate in such a situation?
Body Check: Perceive Body Signals
It only works if you can stop or interrupt this reflexive reaction. Fortunately, your body also reports as quickly as your emotions when something goes against the grain. This can be an increased pulse, tense muscles, sweating, trembling, a hot flash… So when you notice such body signals, consciously take the following step.
Self-Regulation
The art of dealing with the conflict constructively, is to regulate yourself between the stimulus and the reaction. This works through conscious interruption. It can be done mentally, e.g. by counting slowly to ten, or physically through appropriate breathing techniques, which should, however, be trained beforehand. You can gain some time for example, by saying, “Let me think about your objection for a moment.” Another option is to really make a physical interruption by saying, “Wait a minute, I have to go to the bathroom.” By interrupting the stimulus-response chain, you buy time to consciously focus on the next steps.
Switch to receipt
An excellent way to make the transition from self-regulation to “receipt” is to paraphrase. For example, you ask: “Did I understand correctly, that you…” Now you can find out your counterpart’s motives, viewpoints, and perceptions by asking questions. According to Henry Ford, the secret of success is to understand the other person’s point of view. So before you present your point of view yourself, first ask and understand.
Factors that promote understanding include finding out the nature of the stimulus: what exactly prompted your counterpart to go into resistance, what motives, what personal experiences?
Get on Air
Now you can confidently state and justify your position. Now you are in the position to convince, to make a decision or to start a constructive negotiation.
Admittedly, this is a matter of training and does not always succeed the first time. Those, who are easily impulsive will take a little longer here, than those who have high self-control. But almost everyone has some sore point that, when hit, causes impulsive behavior.
When a conflict has hardened, the only thing that usually helps is outside support. If you need help in a conflict (between two parties or in teams) or you have questions about leadership & team development, just contact me for a consultation.
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